In-between

I have often been told that in all of us there is a God-shaped hole, and the only way to be fully complete is to let Jesus in. Yeah, I believed it - but I didn't really know it. I know it now. I've been in a time of complete and utter desert for a while now. Every day I'm crying out to God, trying to get back to where I'm meant to be, trying to find the purpose I was made for. Part of me thinks this is punishment for the way I've been living my life... No, that's the wrong word. Not punishment. Consequence. Every day I'm crying out to God, but every day I'm also letting myself and God down more and more. This constant battle is making me extremely tired, and everything around me is pulling me towards the world. I know I need community - and I want it, too. But the truth is it scares the shit out of me. I'm petrified of being let down, of being hurt, and I realise I've turned from a vulnerable naive little girl ready to suck up and believe anything I was told, to a type of cold, cynical person who is too scared to trust and only relies on herself. And I want to, and do to a large extent, rely on God, but I need people around me to help me do that. Talk about a catch 22...

I've applied to go to Manchester in September for a year-long course in singing and mission. It's been on my heart for years now but now that I've got an interview all this stuff is coming up that I wasn't expecting. Since my daddy went into hospital my family have gotten a lot closer; we talk now, and it might not seem like much but it's something we never used to do - I don't want to leave them. My friends are another reason. The fact that for the first time I won't be able to jump in my mini and drive home in less than an hour. Am I running away? Am I just aware that I need community so am jumping into the first Christian bubble I see? Now THAT scares me. I'm very much in tune with the world and their concepts of Christianity at the moment, and in no sense do I want to go back to happy-clappy-Christian land unable to see anyone else's point of view.

I'm not saying it will be like that, but these are a couple of the thoughts and fears that have popped into my head. I just have no idea who I am at the moment, no idea where I'm meant to be, and this soul-searching combined with this spiritual combat that's been going on with me for a while is getting old.

Saying all this, I love my life. I am so blessed. My family and friends are in my opinion absolute life-savers and I could not do without them. Ever. I have my health and my education and at least have some sort of idea in what direction I would like my life to go in.

I have my God, who is faithful throughout the most ridiculous show of unfaithfulness and betrayal that my life has been toward Him. I am so aware of how great He is and how weak I am. And maybe this period of desert-land and soul-searching is absolutely necessary in the bigger picture. I know it can't stay like this forever, and for now I will be happy with counting my blessings, playing the waiting game (which is so important sometimes), talking things through with my God and learning to trust Him again.