Trust

I feel as though I'm on the edge of something.

Last night I had one of those conversations with a friend who I hadn't seen in ages. In saying 'one of those' I mean one which lasted for a good few hours and one which probed at the deepest issues and desires in our hearts; 'one of those' wherein talking of these things made us each individually realise things about ourselves and our lives, where eachothers' experiences made more sense to us than our own.

To the outside eye, there is nothing going on. And this is what it has felt like for me for a good few months. Before that, there was definitely stuff going on, but it was all on the outside, visible for everyone to see. To the outside eye, a few months ago, my life was good.

When I lost the things I relied on, the things that made my life seem so good (and it all seemed to happen in one big massive blow), I had forgotten how to rely on God. I didn't think I had, but I was self-reliant and completely determined to pick my life up again by myself, because it was my life, and I had to take control; otherwise who would?!

So, for the past few months, I've been in a place of constant striving, consistent searching, in the middle of a complete desert that did not ever allow a way out for the wanderer. Every so often I'd see a little mirage and I'd run toward it, only to be disappointed. It wasn't real, wasn't true, wasn't something I was meant to find.

A couple of weeks ago, I'm not sure of the precise date or time, I decided I was tired. It wasn't worth it any more, I wasn't getting anywhere; if anything I was walking round in circles in the hope of some big revelation or direction sign dropping in front of my face. All the while, I was wasting time, and I knew this. The desert was just too massive for me to see anything else.

God had been quiet through all of this. I'm still a bit bitter about this, though I'm beginning to understand why. His purposes are far far greater than I will ever understand, but he's gracious enough to reveal enough of himself to us to fill us with His peace. Only recently has this come back into my life after a long absence. His promises are beginning to ring true to me again, are beginning to be written in my heart again.

Philippians 4:6-7

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Jeremiah 29:11

"'For I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope'."

I know these verses are quoted all the time, but they are a couple of the verses that are bringing me toward a place I finally feel I'm meant to be. We need to be careful that the verses that are quoted the most don't become cliches that people don't listen to anymore - their true meanings could be the most important to some people!

Anyway, back to my first sentence. Yes, I feel like something's gotta give soon. The desert I've been in has been undergirded by God's work which no one could see, especially not me. More has probably happened in the past few months in terms of molding me and preparing me than in some of the busiest times of my life. Things have already started happening - and to be honest, they have been pretty amazing, and they have been things that for years I never thought could happen.

I'm going to Manchester tomorrow, and I'm petrified, but this emotion is completely taken over by the fact I know that God is taking care of my every move.

There is SO much more!

In-between

I have often been told that in all of us there is a God-shaped hole, and the only way to be fully complete is to let Jesus in. Yeah, I believed it - but I didn't really know it. I know it now. I've been in a time of complete and utter desert for a while now. Every day I'm crying out to God, trying to get back to where I'm meant to be, trying to find the purpose I was made for. Part of me thinks this is punishment for the way I've been living my life... No, that's the wrong word. Not punishment. Consequence. Every day I'm crying out to God, but every day I'm also letting myself and God down more and more. This constant battle is making me extremely tired, and everything around me is pulling me towards the world. I know I need community - and I want it, too. But the truth is it scares the shit out of me. I'm petrified of being let down, of being hurt, and I realise I've turned from a vulnerable naive little girl ready to suck up and believe anything I was told, to a type of cold, cynical person who is too scared to trust and only relies on herself. And I want to, and do to a large extent, rely on God, but I need people around me to help me do that. Talk about a catch 22...

I've applied to go to Manchester in September for a year-long course in singing and mission. It's been on my heart for years now but now that I've got an interview all this stuff is coming up that I wasn't expecting. Since my daddy went into hospital my family have gotten a lot closer; we talk now, and it might not seem like much but it's something we never used to do - I don't want to leave them. My friends are another reason. The fact that for the first time I won't be able to jump in my mini and drive home in less than an hour. Am I running away? Am I just aware that I need community so am jumping into the first Christian bubble I see? Now THAT scares me. I'm very much in tune with the world and their concepts of Christianity at the moment, and in no sense do I want to go back to happy-clappy-Christian land unable to see anyone else's point of view.

I'm not saying it will be like that, but these are a couple of the thoughts and fears that have popped into my head. I just have no idea who I am at the moment, no idea where I'm meant to be, and this soul-searching combined with this spiritual combat that's been going on with me for a while is getting old.

Saying all this, I love my life. I am so blessed. My family and friends are in my opinion absolute life-savers and I could not do without them. Ever. I have my health and my education and at least have some sort of idea in what direction I would like my life to go in.

I have my God, who is faithful throughout the most ridiculous show of unfaithfulness and betrayal that my life has been toward Him. I am so aware of how great He is and how weak I am. And maybe this period of desert-land and soul-searching is absolutely necessary in the bigger picture. I know it can't stay like this forever, and for now I will be happy with counting my blessings, playing the waiting game (which is so important sometimes), talking things through with my God and learning to trust Him again.