Something out of nothing

I wish everything could come out as something beautiful.

My emotions are so complex, the thoughts that go spinning through my head at incredible speeds, intertwining and bouncing off each other like a never-ending ride on bumper cars at the fair, are constant. I feel like so much is being lost, everything could be turned into so much more. Like, a single thought could be the start of a whole poem, a hurt could turn into a song, and a hint of thankfulness could turn into a whole screen-play. If I acted on everything I thought and felt, if the true potential of “inside me”, if you like, was released, would it be an amazing, beautiful collection of art to be admired and desired, or would it be too horrible too imagine, a terrible, overpowering stench of gossip, lies, evil thoughts and fear? Or worse, would it come out as art or product at all? Is the essence of me being rooted in something real? Is there anything real and useful in my head at all; do my thoughts have any significance in the wider plan, and are they worth being turned into any kind of shape, beautiful or otherwise?

There is only one constant in my life that comforts me about these ideas and possibilities that yes, the product would be beautiful. Yes, there would be bits of damage, of fear and maybe not so nice bits, but then art always comes with the possibility of progression, change, and alterations. And more than anything, whatever the outcome would be, it would always be worth something. Every human being is made and born with more potential in their thoughts, feelings, words and actions than is possible to understand. Everything has a place in eternity, no matter how minute it seems at the time. It is such a lie of the devil that has somehow been widespread all over the world that existentialism is truth; that loneliness and pointlessness prevails and nothing has a point in anything.

It is through Jesus that I can say that love is the only thing that prevails.

Everything within me has the potential to come out as terrible, frightening, Lord-of-the-Flies style evil, but through Jesus this has all been changed to simply love.

Something beautiful.

So, this is where I'm at.

I'm lying in my friend's bed, awake ridiculously early and as usual, unable to sleep to any sort of functional and normal time. As I begin to write here, it is occurring to me how completely important alone time is. I am just back from an all-Ireland tour. Do NOT get me wrong, I could not have asked for a more amazing experience and learning-curve, but the business and the madness made little room for rest or aloneness, and I have come back buzzing and a little bit scared of not doing anything for any period of time. I have always been like this in that I always have to have some sort of project or purpose, and I don't think it's a bad thing at all - in fact, quite the contrary. But quiet time; time to refocus, reconnect, is essential to continue with any of these purposes or projects. To re-instate to yourself who you are, for rest, and most importantly, to reconnect with God.

So I've realised recently I may have a slight problem. I have never been what some would call "a typical girl", in the sense that I have never placed much importance on finding relationships, just because there is so much more to be spending your time thinking and doing. Good and right relationships can be immensely positive and beautiful, but second best is not an option for me or anyone else, and that's exactly what I'd be settling for if I settled too quickly, and this can only have a negative and dangerous influence on both parties involved. (Coffee break... that's better. This could also be considered another problem/quickly developing addiction!) Anyway, I never considered this a problem either, until a good relationship opportunity comes along and I am completely unable to let my guard down. Obviously, this is not fair on the person you are in a relationship with - but no matter how hard I try, I can't let myself become any more vulnerable. I already feel completely at sea when I actually let a relationship happen. I'm happy for the experiences God has given me though. It's part of who I am not to regret anything in life, no exceptions.

Now though, this guard seems to have been taken to a completely new level, and it's worrying me. There seems to be zero capacity inside me to feel anything for anyone, making potential relationships an impossibility, which I'm strangely happy with. Any acts of affection have been coincided with no emotion; a kiss may as well be a drive to the shops for an errand, and doing my washing seems to come with more emotional drive these days. And I DO believe in love, I believe in it more than anything in this world - so it is strange even to me that I won't let myself experience it.

So it seems this problem has been building up for a while - years, even - and it's only now I've come to terms with the fact that it exists. This does not mean in any sense that I am looking for a relationship, or trying to tempt fate in any way - I am a strong believer that, before you bring anyone else into your life, you need to be completely at ease with yourself, and the thought of a relationship still scares me. I am working on it, though, and I feel I've come a long way in the past few weeks. It's not what God wants for me to be frightened of his gifts in life, and it shows the flaws in my relationship with Him more than anything.

Actually, maybe that's what it comes down to. Putting God first. Before my thoughts, my family, friends, relationships and especially my fears - "For God has NOT given us a Spirit of fear and timidity, but of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DISCIPLINE." 2 Timothy 1:7 and "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need". Matthew 6:33.

Yes.

Instead of trying to work this out by myself, instead of beating myself up for how I've been feeling, instead of focusing on the problem, I have to choose to focus on the answer! How blessed are the children of God that in everything we do or face, in every problem posed in our lives, we already have the answer there for us. It is so sad that the majority of the time I choose to ignore the blatant love constantly staring me in the face - sometimes it just seems too pure, too simple, too amazing to be true. His promises are the truest things we have in this life, and to not cling on to them with everything we have seems foolish but unfortunately is all too easy!

So, Dad, today I repent of everything in my life that is not of You. My wrong decisions, my sinful nature, my fears, my worries, my ridiculous pet-hates, my addictions, my annoying habit of not loving everyone I see as You do, God. I know if I put You first, where You should be, everything else will fall into place. Money is a big issue these days, Father, but You provide for the birds and the flowers abundantly - what on earth makes me think You're not going to do the same for me, ten-fold? I know it's Your will for me to go to Manchester - and I'm so excited but petrified at the same time. It all seems way too big for me. It's not for You though, and that's the amazing thing. Thank you for holding my life in Your hands - I'm beginning to realise what a holy show I'd make of myself and my life if You didn't. You will provide, help me to trust You. I'm begging You to hold on tight and take my life; You are the only hope for me.

I have resolved that I am much better off in Your hands than mine.

All of this, in immediate hindsight, seems ridiculously self-involved. It's amazing how time with God can instantly let you in on the bigger picture. All my problems seem to melt into beautiful insignificance when I concentrate on His love for even a second. It's the knowledge that God constantly meets me where I am at and then shows me His heart.

And when you see a bit of it, all you want is more.