Messages of Hope

"As for the outsiders who now follow me, working for me, loving my name... I'll bring them to my holy mountain, and give them joy in my house of prayer. They'll be welcome to worship the same as the 'insiders'... Oh yes, my house of worship will be known as a house of prayer for all people.' The Decree of the Master, God Himself, who gathers all the exiles..."

Isaiah 56:6-8

Don't limit your anointing to what you think you can do.

I'm coming from a pretty broken place right now. But a place where I never stop knowing God is good. I had a conversation with an old friend the other day who described this mind-set as being brainwashed. Brainwashed with hope? I wish everyone could be so, although to use the word 'blessed', I think, is more appropriate. Hope is never a negative thing - and I'm not sure brainwashing can ever be a positive thing!

I've been crying out to God. This morning I sat down and quoted Himself back to Him; just said to Him - 'God, it says in Your Word that when your children call out, You will answer. I'm Your child, and I'm calling out...'

Without fail, He answered.

He showed me passages in the Bible where people had gotten themselves into tricky situations because of their own stupidity, and passages where these people were treated unfairly and God got angry on their behalf. He then brought me to a specific passage, quoted at the top of this page, which spoke directly and specifically to me.

Looking back on this blog, and how I've not been here since before Manchester, brings me back to a time in my life that was COMPLETELY different to where I am now. God has brought me through so much, directed my paths, just like He promised, and I know He will continue to do this. I found friends in Manchester which I had been both scared of and craving for a very long time. I loved it being the norm to talk to God as though He was there in the room - 'cause He was! I loved being surrounded by great teaching, God-centred people, and... God 24/7. There were tough times, but last year was a year of training, and how do you train without being out of your comfort zone? I changed so much last year; learned so much - and now I'm home.

Just as leaving for Manchester scared the absolute living daylights out of me, coming home did the same thing. I didn't expect to ever come back, but God birthed On the Edge and a theatre company was born for the glory of God - apparently to be based in Northern Ireland. Who's to head that up? Oh, that'd be me then...

And Georgia. She took the step and moved over from Manchester to here. We got a lovely wee apartment and God is taking care of us alright. We've had our ups and downs, and God has blessed our friendship in the most fantastic ways. There is a running joke of us eventually settling down together with our cats and cheesy family portraits, but we feel God may have other plans for us!

It's been even crazier than Manchester. God has taken us both on a rollercoaster from basic training to the next level of preparation, and it has not in ANY way been easy. Coming back here was the last thing on my mind, and the fact that I'm home again is still hard for me to take in sometimes. I left here with barely any close Christian friends and in Manchester I found them. It was hard to leave and, though I'm so happy to get home and see everyone again, I miss the support network we had going on. As soon as I landed, I knew I was meant to be there - the people I now call some of my best friends took me in and I felt at home, like I'd been there for years. It's been fantastic having Georgia and I have met some beautiful people in church since I've been home, but I still find myself struggling at times. I don't know whether it's that I missed Manchester, or the fact that I know I've never fitted in at church here and something in my head is making me think that will always be the case, but there's some sort of spiritual battle going on. I've done some stupid things since I returned home, but God has also done some amazing things with and through me, and THOSE are the things I choose to concentrate on. At church last night Pastor John said, 'Failure is not a person, it's an event.' I am not a failure; I am a child of the King and that is who I choose to live as. God promised me 'joy in (His) house of prayer', and all I need to do to receive that is keep pressing in to Him.

I don't know if anyone will read this, but that is surely not why I am writing. I'm writing for honesty, for memories, to commemorate where God has picked me up from and to be able to look back here in the future and contemplate the same thing.

Praise You that I'm not where I used to be, and praise You that You've not given up on me!

Back to Basics

So, recently, since I'm starting a new life in... oooh... nineteen days in Manchester, I've been thinking about getting back to basics in terms of my life, in terms of what I base my life on. Sometimes life can get so cluttered that I forget what I started out believing, why I believe it, and I realise that some of my friends know I'm a Christian, but I've never really expressed to them the basics of what I believe in. This is in a Bible that I own, and though it's not expressed in my words, it's pretty much the basis of my faith. And it's made me realise the initial joy I experienced years ago when all I knew to be true, was this.

God's purpose: Eternal Life

God loves you and created you for a purpose: to know him and have a personal, eternal relationship with him. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the FULL!" John 10:10

People's problem: Sin and Separation

People miss the life God intends for them because they choose to go their own way and fall short of His perfect standard. Defying God in this way is called sin, and it separates us from God and prevents us from having a relationship with Him. In fact, sin is so radically opposed to God's perfect character that it requires the most extreme penalty: death and eternal separation from God.

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord" Romans 6:23

God's solution: Jesus Christ

We cannot make our way to God through our own imperfect efforts. So God Himself chose to provide the perfect payment for sin. He sent His Son, Jesus, to die in our place, bridging the gap between Himself and humanity. We can only come to God on His terms.

"Christ died for sins for all, the righteous and the unrighteous, to bring you to God." 1 Peter 3:18

"Jesus answered, 'I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

Your personal response: Confession and Faith

You must personally respond to Jesus' sacrifice by turning from your own sinful life and trusting Him to give you a new life. Salvation through Christ is a free gift. Accepting it is an act of faith.

"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

CLASS.

Testing and Truth

Few things are better than spending an hour or two in a coffee shop by yourself, enjoying some good coffee, relaxing and getting things done at the same time. In fact, one of the only things that would make it better is when the other people in the coffee shop are easy on the eye. I am currently stalking some poor guy who is dandering in and out of the coffee shop on his telephone. Without doubt one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. He's probably walking in and out of the coffee shop on account of being nervous of the creepy girl in the corner whose eyes are following him like one of those creepy pictures in old houses, but I'm sure he'll have settled down by our wedding day. If not, sedation or hostage-type scenarios come to mind as being successful.

I'm not a creep. I swear.

Anyway. Update on life. It's been MENTAL recently, and again, haven't even THOUGHT about moving to Manchester. Which happens in less than a month. I'm just back from Bodybuilders, a kids' club in Dunmurry which lasts for a week every summer, and had the most blessed time. Dressed as a mushroom most of the week because I was Toadstool from Mario (see above photo) in our sketch all week.

In other news, I fell on a nail while making a mushroom suit (again, see above photo) and running away from inappropriate video footage, and ripped my leg open in the most horrible fashion. I don't think I've ever been so badly injured. There ensued a trip to Downpatrick A&E, leg wrapped in a piece of bright pink silk which turned red very quickly due to the amount of blood I was losing. Eight stitches. First ever. And while I was getting them, I think Faye's shoulder was injured worse than me, just 'cause I was biting her so hard.

I'm meant to be doing a kids' club in Cavan next week which I was really looking forward to... but my body has decided to freak out and I have about four hundred doctor's and hospital appointments next week. I need to be better before Manchester... my lovely housemate Lisa is coming with me next week to make sure I don't go mental after anaesthetic!

Long and short of it, at the moment, I'm feeling incredibly tired, very overwhelmed and a little sick. Things can't always go our way, but it's how we choose to deal with them that matters. We are constantly being tested, and these are all chances to let our character grow. At the moment, my natural reaction is to crawl into a corner and sleep, but god has given me this joy that refuses to let me do that. And thank goodness. Things seem a bit impossible at the minute, but I can hear this voice telling me it's going to work out, that I'm in His will, and that I am safe and secure. Oh what joy we experience, being our Father's children. How beyond words is his majesty, wonder and power, yet how deep is his love and grace and mercy. These things are said all the time, but only because they are so true. He is the longing of Creation, is the only truth that matters in this universe.

I can't wait to show this to the people of Manchester.

My prayer

I have a prayer. I don't have it completely laid out in words, but I can tell you this prayer is the deepest longing of my heart. It's a desire that overtakes words, overtakes my dreams, my hopes, ambitions and everything of worth in this world.

It tugs at my soul every day. Sometimes I follow willingly, and sometimes I pull away in the other direction. But I know this prayer, this longing, and this passion will NEVER leave me.

There are so many things working against it - sometimes it seems hopeless - but hope is the very nature of the prayer, and I know it will prevail.

Life seems to be being set out for me so clearly recently. Thank you Jesus, 'cause for a while there I foolishly thought you'd given up on me, erased a plan for my life and left me to wonder aimlessly. It was then that I realised a life without purpose, without You, is no life at all. So I crawl back, You pick me up, and set me up for Your will.

It's not going to be easy, I'm petrified already, but that's how I want to be. My comfort zone is somewhere I never want to be, cause this prayer both promises and demands more, all the time.

At the risk of sounding ridiculously clichéd... Bring it on.

The Journey Continues...

As I begin this blog, I honestly have no idea what it's going to be about. My friend stated in no uncertain terms the other day that blogging is nothing but a result of self-obsessed self-indulgence, and I suppose it is in a sense. Writing sorts through the massive filing cabinet in my brain that seems to mess itself up quite regularly. I also can't be bothered manually writing anymore - the thoughts come too quickly and by the time I've written the last one, the next one is gone. So why not open a word document and write that way? Why share your innermost thoughts with people who you don't know and definitely do not care about how you felt today when you had an argument with your parents, or what you learned when you read a certain book?

There are a couple of reasons.

I suppose, in some way, it keeps me accountable. I am completely honest in my blogs, a completely open book, and I want to know that anyone following my blog is reading about a journey that is moving along at quite a satisfactory little pace, thank you very much.

Number two, I believe that everything everyone goes through in life is important. I believe a lesson can be learnt from every feeling we experience, everything we go through. Hopefully, at some point, what you've learnt will be of use to someone else.

And that's my hope for this blog.

I got a phone-call yesterday from a company who might be agreeing to sponser me some sort of grant for covering Manchester fees. They needed some more little documentation or something and they said they were going to phone/e-mail me back today. My phone is stuck to me and I'm checking my e-mail every two seconds. A grant would be amazing, no matter how small. I have vowed that I am never ever fundraising again. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I positively hate it. I've been trying to get a job for a good few months now and but to no avail. I have had, like... one... but I thought I was going to have a mad attack after the first night. To be honest I value my happiness a little bit more than that, and the amount of other things I'm involved in makes it impossible for me to hold a job with any sort of steady hours.

And I hate being on the dole, and I hate scrounging off my parents, and I HATE asking people for fundraising money, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's only for a couple of months. Believe me, I would much rather be out earning money, doing something I love and supporting myself, but that's not where God has me right now. And though I do hate it, I feel the need to defend my situation. I know there are a lot of people who simply think I'm being lazy, who think I'm a dreamer, who think I'm going nowhere in life. Sometimes it seems like that to me, and believe me, it doesn't feel good. But I'm not following my own plan for my life. God has it sussed, and though I'm confused and unsettled now, it's the perfect chance for me to learn that.

I've never felt so humbled as a person, and I believe that's a good thing for me. Through this experience, I've learnt that pride is indeed an issue for me - and I wasn't even aware. I've learnt that a simple act of generosity that doesn't maybe mean that much to the giver can completely transform a person. This will follow me through my life from now on, I know this - because I've learnt how hard it is to swallow your pride and ask for money. In a capitalist, dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself world, where how much money you make and how self-sufficient you are seems to account for the amount of respect you receive from others, it's just not the done thing. In God's world, in the life He's asked us to live, He has promised He will provide for us, and we are expected to respect and provide for each other and those less fortunate. We deserve nothing we have, we can't be boastful and greedy with what we have, because after all, God could take it away from us in a second.

I've been frustrated with people - with family and friends, but I've also seen how much the same can pull through for you when you need them. In the confusion and stress, a lot of the bigger picture is falling in to place.

I had a nightmare last night, and I woke up this morning gasping, with tears streaming down my face. The whole thing was so vivid, so cruel, seemed so real, and it dealt with something that I really didn't think would make me cry... but it did. And it has confused me this morning. I'm trying my best not to let it bother me, I've tried my best to bury it and move on, but dreams are so uncontrollable and unpredictable, that I suppose fears you weren't even aware existed come to surface in some sort of horrific catharsism. (I'm aware that's not a word but I'm determined to have it in the dictionary by the end of the year - I feel it would be popular!) I'm going to pray through it when I finish this post though; I'm so sick of the whole issue hanging over me and to be honest it's simply tiring, draining, and repetitive now.

I've been to a new church in the past couple of weeks and had a few chats with people that were probably long-needed. It's been class, I've loved spending time with people who believe in the same King as me, who are there to encourage each other in their walk with God. It's going to take a while to settle myself in this world again though - I've missed it, but there's definitely a sense of me being uncomfortable within this setting.

It's funny, I long for Jesus with all of my heart, to know him more, to know his heart, and yet I can't feel at rest when I'm with his people. I think I may be so petrified of being rejected, hurt or disappointed by the Church, not through any fault of theirs, but through my inadequacy, that I feel it's better and easier to keep away. What a trick of the devil. I know this, I just have to fight it.

I'm going to go talk to God now. I'm going to leave you with a verse that has meant so much to me in the past couple of months, and has got me through a fair few freak-outs.

I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Philippians 4:11-13

Something out of nothing

I wish everything could come out as something beautiful.

My emotions are so complex, the thoughts that go spinning through my head at incredible speeds, intertwining and bouncing off each other like a never-ending ride on bumper cars at the fair, are constant. I feel like so much is being lost, everything could be turned into so much more. Like, a single thought could be the start of a whole poem, a hurt could turn into a song, and a hint of thankfulness could turn into a whole screen-play. If I acted on everything I thought and felt, if the true potential of “inside me”, if you like, was released, would it be an amazing, beautiful collection of art to be admired and desired, or would it be too horrible too imagine, a terrible, overpowering stench of gossip, lies, evil thoughts and fear? Or worse, would it come out as art or product at all? Is the essence of me being rooted in something real? Is there anything real and useful in my head at all; do my thoughts have any significance in the wider plan, and are they worth being turned into any kind of shape, beautiful or otherwise?

There is only one constant in my life that comforts me about these ideas and possibilities that yes, the product would be beautiful. Yes, there would be bits of damage, of fear and maybe not so nice bits, but then art always comes with the possibility of progression, change, and alterations. And more than anything, whatever the outcome would be, it would always be worth something. Every human being is made and born with more potential in their thoughts, feelings, words and actions than is possible to understand. Everything has a place in eternity, no matter how minute it seems at the time. It is such a lie of the devil that has somehow been widespread all over the world that existentialism is truth; that loneliness and pointlessness prevails and nothing has a point in anything.

It is through Jesus that I can say that love is the only thing that prevails.

Everything within me has the potential to come out as terrible, frightening, Lord-of-the-Flies style evil, but through Jesus this has all been changed to simply love.

Something beautiful.

So, this is where I'm at.

I'm lying in my friend's bed, awake ridiculously early and as usual, unable to sleep to any sort of functional and normal time. As I begin to write here, it is occurring to me how completely important alone time is. I am just back from an all-Ireland tour. Do NOT get me wrong, I could not have asked for a more amazing experience and learning-curve, but the business and the madness made little room for rest or aloneness, and I have come back buzzing and a little bit scared of not doing anything for any period of time. I have always been like this in that I always have to have some sort of project or purpose, and I don't think it's a bad thing at all - in fact, quite the contrary. But quiet time; time to refocus, reconnect, is essential to continue with any of these purposes or projects. To re-instate to yourself who you are, for rest, and most importantly, to reconnect with God.

So I've realised recently I may have a slight problem. I have never been what some would call "a typical girl", in the sense that I have never placed much importance on finding relationships, just because there is so much more to be spending your time thinking and doing. Good and right relationships can be immensely positive and beautiful, but second best is not an option for me or anyone else, and that's exactly what I'd be settling for if I settled too quickly, and this can only have a negative and dangerous influence on both parties involved. (Coffee break... that's better. This could also be considered another problem/quickly developing addiction!) Anyway, I never considered this a problem either, until a good relationship opportunity comes along and I am completely unable to let my guard down. Obviously, this is not fair on the person you are in a relationship with - but no matter how hard I try, I can't let myself become any more vulnerable. I already feel completely at sea when I actually let a relationship happen. I'm happy for the experiences God has given me though. It's part of who I am not to regret anything in life, no exceptions.

Now though, this guard seems to have been taken to a completely new level, and it's worrying me. There seems to be zero capacity inside me to feel anything for anyone, making potential relationships an impossibility, which I'm strangely happy with. Any acts of affection have been coincided with no emotion; a kiss may as well be a drive to the shops for an errand, and doing my washing seems to come with more emotional drive these days. And I DO believe in love, I believe in it more than anything in this world - so it is strange even to me that I won't let myself experience it.

So it seems this problem has been building up for a while - years, even - and it's only now I've come to terms with the fact that it exists. This does not mean in any sense that I am looking for a relationship, or trying to tempt fate in any way - I am a strong believer that, before you bring anyone else into your life, you need to be completely at ease with yourself, and the thought of a relationship still scares me. I am working on it, though, and I feel I've come a long way in the past few weeks. It's not what God wants for me to be frightened of his gifts in life, and it shows the flaws in my relationship with Him more than anything.

Actually, maybe that's what it comes down to. Putting God first. Before my thoughts, my family, friends, relationships and especially my fears - "For God has NOT given us a Spirit of fear and timidity, but of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DISCIPLINE." 2 Timothy 1:7 and "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need". Matthew 6:33.

Yes.

Instead of trying to work this out by myself, instead of beating myself up for how I've been feeling, instead of focusing on the problem, I have to choose to focus on the answer! How blessed are the children of God that in everything we do or face, in every problem posed in our lives, we already have the answer there for us. It is so sad that the majority of the time I choose to ignore the blatant love constantly staring me in the face - sometimes it just seems too pure, too simple, too amazing to be true. His promises are the truest things we have in this life, and to not cling on to them with everything we have seems foolish but unfortunately is all too easy!

So, Dad, today I repent of everything in my life that is not of You. My wrong decisions, my sinful nature, my fears, my worries, my ridiculous pet-hates, my addictions, my annoying habit of not loving everyone I see as You do, God. I know if I put You first, where You should be, everything else will fall into place. Money is a big issue these days, Father, but You provide for the birds and the flowers abundantly - what on earth makes me think You're not going to do the same for me, ten-fold? I know it's Your will for me to go to Manchester - and I'm so excited but petrified at the same time. It all seems way too big for me. It's not for You though, and that's the amazing thing. Thank you for holding my life in Your hands - I'm beginning to realise what a holy show I'd make of myself and my life if You didn't. You will provide, help me to trust You. I'm begging You to hold on tight and take my life; You are the only hope for me.

I have resolved that I am much better off in Your hands than mine.

All of this, in immediate hindsight, seems ridiculously self-involved. It's amazing how time with God can instantly let you in on the bigger picture. All my problems seem to melt into beautiful insignificance when I concentrate on His love for even a second. It's the knowledge that God constantly meets me where I am at and then shows me His heart.

And when you see a bit of it, all you want is more.