The Journey Continues...

As I begin this blog, I honestly have no idea what it's going to be about. My friend stated in no uncertain terms the other day that blogging is nothing but a result of self-obsessed self-indulgence, and I suppose it is in a sense. Writing sorts through the massive filing cabinet in my brain that seems to mess itself up quite regularly. I also can't be bothered manually writing anymore - the thoughts come too quickly and by the time I've written the last one, the next one is gone. So why not open a word document and write that way? Why share your innermost thoughts with people who you don't know and definitely do not care about how you felt today when you had an argument with your parents, or what you learned when you read a certain book?

There are a couple of reasons.

I suppose, in some way, it keeps me accountable. I am completely honest in my blogs, a completely open book, and I want to know that anyone following my blog is reading about a journey that is moving along at quite a satisfactory little pace, thank you very much.

Number two, I believe that everything everyone goes through in life is important. I believe a lesson can be learnt from every feeling we experience, everything we go through. Hopefully, at some point, what you've learnt will be of use to someone else.

And that's my hope for this blog.

I got a phone-call yesterday from a company who might be agreeing to sponser me some sort of grant for covering Manchester fees. They needed some more little documentation or something and they said they were going to phone/e-mail me back today. My phone is stuck to me and I'm checking my e-mail every two seconds. A grant would be amazing, no matter how small. I have vowed that I am never ever fundraising again. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I positively hate it. I've been trying to get a job for a good few months now and but to no avail. I have had, like... one... but I thought I was going to have a mad attack after the first night. To be honest I value my happiness a little bit more than that, and the amount of other things I'm involved in makes it impossible for me to hold a job with any sort of steady hours.

And I hate being on the dole, and I hate scrounging off my parents, and I HATE asking people for fundraising money, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's only for a couple of months. Believe me, I would much rather be out earning money, doing something I love and supporting myself, but that's not where God has me right now. And though I do hate it, I feel the need to defend my situation. I know there are a lot of people who simply think I'm being lazy, who think I'm a dreamer, who think I'm going nowhere in life. Sometimes it seems like that to me, and believe me, it doesn't feel good. But I'm not following my own plan for my life. God has it sussed, and though I'm confused and unsettled now, it's the perfect chance for me to learn that.

I've never felt so humbled as a person, and I believe that's a good thing for me. Through this experience, I've learnt that pride is indeed an issue for me - and I wasn't even aware. I've learnt that a simple act of generosity that doesn't maybe mean that much to the giver can completely transform a person. This will follow me through my life from now on, I know this - because I've learnt how hard it is to swallow your pride and ask for money. In a capitalist, dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself world, where how much money you make and how self-sufficient you are seems to account for the amount of respect you receive from others, it's just not the done thing. In God's world, in the life He's asked us to live, He has promised He will provide for us, and we are expected to respect and provide for each other and those less fortunate. We deserve nothing we have, we can't be boastful and greedy with what we have, because after all, God could take it away from us in a second.

I've been frustrated with people - with family and friends, but I've also seen how much the same can pull through for you when you need them. In the confusion and stress, a lot of the bigger picture is falling in to place.

I had a nightmare last night, and I woke up this morning gasping, with tears streaming down my face. The whole thing was so vivid, so cruel, seemed so real, and it dealt with something that I really didn't think would make me cry... but it did. And it has confused me this morning. I'm trying my best not to let it bother me, I've tried my best to bury it and move on, but dreams are so uncontrollable and unpredictable, that I suppose fears you weren't even aware existed come to surface in some sort of horrific catharsism. (I'm aware that's not a word but I'm determined to have it in the dictionary by the end of the year - I feel it would be popular!) I'm going to pray through it when I finish this post though; I'm so sick of the whole issue hanging over me and to be honest it's simply tiring, draining, and repetitive now.

I've been to a new church in the past couple of weeks and had a few chats with people that were probably long-needed. It's been class, I've loved spending time with people who believe in the same King as me, who are there to encourage each other in their walk with God. It's going to take a while to settle myself in this world again though - I've missed it, but there's definitely a sense of me being uncomfortable within this setting.

It's funny, I long for Jesus with all of my heart, to know him more, to know his heart, and yet I can't feel at rest when I'm with his people. I think I may be so petrified of being rejected, hurt or disappointed by the Church, not through any fault of theirs, but through my inadequacy, that I feel it's better and easier to keep away. What a trick of the devil. I know this, I just have to fight it.

I'm going to go talk to God now. I'm going to leave you with a verse that has meant so much to me in the past couple of months, and has got me through a fair few freak-outs.

I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Philippians 4:11-13