Back to Basics

So, recently, since I'm starting a new life in... oooh... nineteen days in Manchester, I've been thinking about getting back to basics in terms of my life, in terms of what I base my life on. Sometimes life can get so cluttered that I forget what I started out believing, why I believe it, and I realise that some of my friends know I'm a Christian, but I've never really expressed to them the basics of what I believe in. This is in a Bible that I own, and though it's not expressed in my words, it's pretty much the basis of my faith. And it's made me realise the initial joy I experienced years ago when all I knew to be true, was this.

God's purpose: Eternal Life

God loves you and created you for a purpose: to know him and have a personal, eternal relationship with him. "For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

Jesus said, "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the FULL!" John 10:10

People's problem: Sin and Separation

People miss the life God intends for them because they choose to go their own way and fall short of His perfect standard. Defying God in this way is called sin, and it separates us from God and prevents us from having a relationship with Him. In fact, sin is so radically opposed to God's perfect character that it requires the most extreme penalty: death and eternal separation from God.

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23

"The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord" Romans 6:23

God's solution: Jesus Christ

We cannot make our way to God through our own imperfect efforts. So God Himself chose to provide the perfect payment for sin. He sent His Son, Jesus, to die in our place, bridging the gap between Himself and humanity. We can only come to God on His terms.

"Christ died for sins for all, the righteous and the unrighteous, to bring you to God." 1 Peter 3:18

"Jesus answered, 'I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." John 14:6

Your personal response: Confession and Faith

You must personally respond to Jesus' sacrifice by turning from your own sinful life and trusting Him to give you a new life. Salvation through Christ is a free gift. Accepting it is an act of faith.

"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord', and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." Romans 10:9

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

CLASS.

Testing and Truth

Few things are better than spending an hour or two in a coffee shop by yourself, enjoying some good coffee, relaxing and getting things done at the same time. In fact, one of the only things that would make it better is when the other people in the coffee shop are easy on the eye. I am currently stalking some poor guy who is dandering in and out of the coffee shop on his telephone. Without doubt one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen. He's probably walking in and out of the coffee shop on account of being nervous of the creepy girl in the corner whose eyes are following him like one of those creepy pictures in old houses, but I'm sure he'll have settled down by our wedding day. If not, sedation or hostage-type scenarios come to mind as being successful.

I'm not a creep. I swear.

Anyway. Update on life. It's been MENTAL recently, and again, haven't even THOUGHT about moving to Manchester. Which happens in less than a month. I'm just back from Bodybuilders, a kids' club in Dunmurry which lasts for a week every summer, and had the most blessed time. Dressed as a mushroom most of the week because I was Toadstool from Mario (see above photo) in our sketch all week.

In other news, I fell on a nail while making a mushroom suit (again, see above photo) and running away from inappropriate video footage, and ripped my leg open in the most horrible fashion. I don't think I've ever been so badly injured. There ensued a trip to Downpatrick A&E, leg wrapped in a piece of bright pink silk which turned red very quickly due to the amount of blood I was losing. Eight stitches. First ever. And while I was getting them, I think Faye's shoulder was injured worse than me, just 'cause I was biting her so hard.

I'm meant to be doing a kids' club in Cavan next week which I was really looking forward to... but my body has decided to freak out and I have about four hundred doctor's and hospital appointments next week. I need to be better before Manchester... my lovely housemate Lisa is coming with me next week to make sure I don't go mental after anaesthetic!

Long and short of it, at the moment, I'm feeling incredibly tired, very overwhelmed and a little sick. Things can't always go our way, but it's how we choose to deal with them that matters. We are constantly being tested, and these are all chances to let our character grow. At the moment, my natural reaction is to crawl into a corner and sleep, but god has given me this joy that refuses to let me do that. And thank goodness. Things seem a bit impossible at the minute, but I can hear this voice telling me it's going to work out, that I'm in His will, and that I am safe and secure. Oh what joy we experience, being our Father's children. How beyond words is his majesty, wonder and power, yet how deep is his love and grace and mercy. These things are said all the time, but only because they are so true. He is the longing of Creation, is the only truth that matters in this universe.

I can't wait to show this to the people of Manchester.

My prayer

I have a prayer. I don't have it completely laid out in words, but I can tell you this prayer is the deepest longing of my heart. It's a desire that overtakes words, overtakes my dreams, my hopes, ambitions and everything of worth in this world.

It tugs at my soul every day. Sometimes I follow willingly, and sometimes I pull away in the other direction. But I know this prayer, this longing, and this passion will NEVER leave me.

There are so many things working against it - sometimes it seems hopeless - but hope is the very nature of the prayer, and I know it will prevail.

Life seems to be being set out for me so clearly recently. Thank you Jesus, 'cause for a while there I foolishly thought you'd given up on me, erased a plan for my life and left me to wonder aimlessly. It was then that I realised a life without purpose, without You, is no life at all. So I crawl back, You pick me up, and set me up for Your will.

It's not going to be easy, I'm petrified already, but that's how I want to be. My comfort zone is somewhere I never want to be, cause this prayer both promises and demands more, all the time.

At the risk of sounding ridiculously clichéd... Bring it on.

The Journey Continues...

As I begin this blog, I honestly have no idea what it's going to be about. My friend stated in no uncertain terms the other day that blogging is nothing but a result of self-obsessed self-indulgence, and I suppose it is in a sense. Writing sorts through the massive filing cabinet in my brain that seems to mess itself up quite regularly. I also can't be bothered manually writing anymore - the thoughts come too quickly and by the time I've written the last one, the next one is gone. So why not open a word document and write that way? Why share your innermost thoughts with people who you don't know and definitely do not care about how you felt today when you had an argument with your parents, or what you learned when you read a certain book?

There are a couple of reasons.

I suppose, in some way, it keeps me accountable. I am completely honest in my blogs, a completely open book, and I want to know that anyone following my blog is reading about a journey that is moving along at quite a satisfactory little pace, thank you very much.

Number two, I believe that everything everyone goes through in life is important. I believe a lesson can be learnt from every feeling we experience, everything we go through. Hopefully, at some point, what you've learnt will be of use to someone else.

And that's my hope for this blog.

I got a phone-call yesterday from a company who might be agreeing to sponser me some sort of grant for covering Manchester fees. They needed some more little documentation or something and they said they were going to phone/e-mail me back today. My phone is stuck to me and I'm checking my e-mail every two seconds. A grant would be amazing, no matter how small. I have vowed that I am never ever fundraising again. I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I positively hate it. I've been trying to get a job for a good few months now and but to no avail. I have had, like... one... but I thought I was going to have a mad attack after the first night. To be honest I value my happiness a little bit more than that, and the amount of other things I'm involved in makes it impossible for me to hold a job with any sort of steady hours.

And I hate being on the dole, and I hate scrounging off my parents, and I HATE asking people for fundraising money, but I have to keep reminding myself that it's only for a couple of months. Believe me, I would much rather be out earning money, doing something I love and supporting myself, but that's not where God has me right now. And though I do hate it, I feel the need to defend my situation. I know there are a lot of people who simply think I'm being lazy, who think I'm a dreamer, who think I'm going nowhere in life. Sometimes it seems like that to me, and believe me, it doesn't feel good. But I'm not following my own plan for my life. God has it sussed, and though I'm confused and unsettled now, it's the perfect chance for me to learn that.

I've never felt so humbled as a person, and I believe that's a good thing for me. Through this experience, I've learnt that pride is indeed an issue for me - and I wasn't even aware. I've learnt that a simple act of generosity that doesn't maybe mean that much to the giver can completely transform a person. This will follow me through my life from now on, I know this - because I've learnt how hard it is to swallow your pride and ask for money. In a capitalist, dog-eat-dog, every-man-for-himself world, where how much money you make and how self-sufficient you are seems to account for the amount of respect you receive from others, it's just not the done thing. In God's world, in the life He's asked us to live, He has promised He will provide for us, and we are expected to respect and provide for each other and those less fortunate. We deserve nothing we have, we can't be boastful and greedy with what we have, because after all, God could take it away from us in a second.

I've been frustrated with people - with family and friends, but I've also seen how much the same can pull through for you when you need them. In the confusion and stress, a lot of the bigger picture is falling in to place.

I had a nightmare last night, and I woke up this morning gasping, with tears streaming down my face. The whole thing was so vivid, so cruel, seemed so real, and it dealt with something that I really didn't think would make me cry... but it did. And it has confused me this morning. I'm trying my best not to let it bother me, I've tried my best to bury it and move on, but dreams are so uncontrollable and unpredictable, that I suppose fears you weren't even aware existed come to surface in some sort of horrific catharsism. (I'm aware that's not a word but I'm determined to have it in the dictionary by the end of the year - I feel it would be popular!) I'm going to pray through it when I finish this post though; I'm so sick of the whole issue hanging over me and to be honest it's simply tiring, draining, and repetitive now.

I've been to a new church in the past couple of weeks and had a few chats with people that were probably long-needed. It's been class, I've loved spending time with people who believe in the same King as me, who are there to encourage each other in their walk with God. It's going to take a while to settle myself in this world again though - I've missed it, but there's definitely a sense of me being uncomfortable within this setting.

It's funny, I long for Jesus with all of my heart, to know him more, to know his heart, and yet I can't feel at rest when I'm with his people. I think I may be so petrified of being rejected, hurt or disappointed by the Church, not through any fault of theirs, but through my inadequacy, that I feel it's better and easier to keep away. What a trick of the devil. I know this, I just have to fight it.

I'm going to go talk to God now. I'm going to leave you with a verse that has meant so much to me in the past couple of months, and has got me through a fair few freak-outs.

I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.

Philippians 4:11-13

Something out of nothing

I wish everything could come out as something beautiful.

My emotions are so complex, the thoughts that go spinning through my head at incredible speeds, intertwining and bouncing off each other like a never-ending ride on bumper cars at the fair, are constant. I feel like so much is being lost, everything could be turned into so much more. Like, a single thought could be the start of a whole poem, a hurt could turn into a song, and a hint of thankfulness could turn into a whole screen-play. If I acted on everything I thought and felt, if the true potential of “inside me”, if you like, was released, would it be an amazing, beautiful collection of art to be admired and desired, or would it be too horrible too imagine, a terrible, overpowering stench of gossip, lies, evil thoughts and fear? Or worse, would it come out as art or product at all? Is the essence of me being rooted in something real? Is there anything real and useful in my head at all; do my thoughts have any significance in the wider plan, and are they worth being turned into any kind of shape, beautiful or otherwise?

There is only one constant in my life that comforts me about these ideas and possibilities that yes, the product would be beautiful. Yes, there would be bits of damage, of fear and maybe not so nice bits, but then art always comes with the possibility of progression, change, and alterations. And more than anything, whatever the outcome would be, it would always be worth something. Every human being is made and born with more potential in their thoughts, feelings, words and actions than is possible to understand. Everything has a place in eternity, no matter how minute it seems at the time. It is such a lie of the devil that has somehow been widespread all over the world that existentialism is truth; that loneliness and pointlessness prevails and nothing has a point in anything.

It is through Jesus that I can say that love is the only thing that prevails.

Everything within me has the potential to come out as terrible, frightening, Lord-of-the-Flies style evil, but through Jesus this has all been changed to simply love.

Something beautiful.

So, this is where I'm at.

I'm lying in my friend's bed, awake ridiculously early and as usual, unable to sleep to any sort of functional and normal time. As I begin to write here, it is occurring to me how completely important alone time is. I am just back from an all-Ireland tour. Do NOT get me wrong, I could not have asked for a more amazing experience and learning-curve, but the business and the madness made little room for rest or aloneness, and I have come back buzzing and a little bit scared of not doing anything for any period of time. I have always been like this in that I always have to have some sort of project or purpose, and I don't think it's a bad thing at all - in fact, quite the contrary. But quiet time; time to refocus, reconnect, is essential to continue with any of these purposes or projects. To re-instate to yourself who you are, for rest, and most importantly, to reconnect with God.

So I've realised recently I may have a slight problem. I have never been what some would call "a typical girl", in the sense that I have never placed much importance on finding relationships, just because there is so much more to be spending your time thinking and doing. Good and right relationships can be immensely positive and beautiful, but second best is not an option for me or anyone else, and that's exactly what I'd be settling for if I settled too quickly, and this can only have a negative and dangerous influence on both parties involved. (Coffee break... that's better. This could also be considered another problem/quickly developing addiction!) Anyway, I never considered this a problem either, until a good relationship opportunity comes along and I am completely unable to let my guard down. Obviously, this is not fair on the person you are in a relationship with - but no matter how hard I try, I can't let myself become any more vulnerable. I already feel completely at sea when I actually let a relationship happen. I'm happy for the experiences God has given me though. It's part of who I am not to regret anything in life, no exceptions.

Now though, this guard seems to have been taken to a completely new level, and it's worrying me. There seems to be zero capacity inside me to feel anything for anyone, making potential relationships an impossibility, which I'm strangely happy with. Any acts of affection have been coincided with no emotion; a kiss may as well be a drive to the shops for an errand, and doing my washing seems to come with more emotional drive these days. And I DO believe in love, I believe in it more than anything in this world - so it is strange even to me that I won't let myself experience it.

So it seems this problem has been building up for a while - years, even - and it's only now I've come to terms with the fact that it exists. This does not mean in any sense that I am looking for a relationship, or trying to tempt fate in any way - I am a strong believer that, before you bring anyone else into your life, you need to be completely at ease with yourself, and the thought of a relationship still scares me. I am working on it, though, and I feel I've come a long way in the past few weeks. It's not what God wants for me to be frightened of his gifts in life, and it shows the flaws in my relationship with Him more than anything.

Actually, maybe that's what it comes down to. Putting God first. Before my thoughts, my family, friends, relationships and especially my fears - "For God has NOT given us a Spirit of fear and timidity, but of POWER, LOVE, and SELF-DISCIPLINE." 2 Timothy 1:7 and "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need". Matthew 6:33.

Yes.

Instead of trying to work this out by myself, instead of beating myself up for how I've been feeling, instead of focusing on the problem, I have to choose to focus on the answer! How blessed are the children of God that in everything we do or face, in every problem posed in our lives, we already have the answer there for us. It is so sad that the majority of the time I choose to ignore the blatant love constantly staring me in the face - sometimes it just seems too pure, too simple, too amazing to be true. His promises are the truest things we have in this life, and to not cling on to them with everything we have seems foolish but unfortunately is all too easy!

So, Dad, today I repent of everything in my life that is not of You. My wrong decisions, my sinful nature, my fears, my worries, my ridiculous pet-hates, my addictions, my annoying habit of not loving everyone I see as You do, God. I know if I put You first, where You should be, everything else will fall into place. Money is a big issue these days, Father, but You provide for the birds and the flowers abundantly - what on earth makes me think You're not going to do the same for me, ten-fold? I know it's Your will for me to go to Manchester - and I'm so excited but petrified at the same time. It all seems way too big for me. It's not for You though, and that's the amazing thing. Thank you for holding my life in Your hands - I'm beginning to realise what a holy show I'd make of myself and my life if You didn't. You will provide, help me to trust You. I'm begging You to hold on tight and take my life; You are the only hope for me.

I have resolved that I am much better off in Your hands than mine.

All of this, in immediate hindsight, seems ridiculously self-involved. It's amazing how time with God can instantly let you in on the bigger picture. All my problems seem to melt into beautiful insignificance when I concentrate on His love for even a second. It's the knowledge that God constantly meets me where I am at and then shows me His heart.

And when you see a bit of it, all you want is more.

Trust

I feel as though I'm on the edge of something.

Last night I had one of those conversations with a friend who I hadn't seen in ages. In saying 'one of those' I mean one which lasted for a good few hours and one which probed at the deepest issues and desires in our hearts; 'one of those' wherein talking of these things made us each individually realise things about ourselves and our lives, where eachothers' experiences made more sense to us than our own.

To the outside eye, there is nothing going on. And this is what it has felt like for me for a good few months. Before that, there was definitely stuff going on, but it was all on the outside, visible for everyone to see. To the outside eye, a few months ago, my life was good.

When I lost the things I relied on, the things that made my life seem so good (and it all seemed to happen in one big massive blow), I had forgotten how to rely on God. I didn't think I had, but I was self-reliant and completely determined to pick my life up again by myself, because it was my life, and I had to take control; otherwise who would?!

So, for the past few months, I've been in a place of constant striving, consistent searching, in the middle of a complete desert that did not ever allow a way out for the wanderer. Every so often I'd see a little mirage and I'd run toward it, only to be disappointed. It wasn't real, wasn't true, wasn't something I was meant to find.

A couple of weeks ago, I'm not sure of the precise date or time, I decided I was tired. It wasn't worth it any more, I wasn't getting anywhere; if anything I was walking round in circles in the hope of some big revelation or direction sign dropping in front of my face. All the while, I was wasting time, and I knew this. The desert was just too massive for me to see anything else.

God had been quiet through all of this. I'm still a bit bitter about this, though I'm beginning to understand why. His purposes are far far greater than I will ever understand, but he's gracious enough to reveal enough of himself to us to fill us with His peace. Only recently has this come back into my life after a long absence. His promises are beginning to ring true to me again, are beginning to be written in my heart again.

Philippians 4:6-7

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."

Jeremiah 29:11

"'For I know the plans I have for you', says the Lord. 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope'."

I know these verses are quoted all the time, but they are a couple of the verses that are bringing me toward a place I finally feel I'm meant to be. We need to be careful that the verses that are quoted the most don't become cliches that people don't listen to anymore - their true meanings could be the most important to some people!

Anyway, back to my first sentence. Yes, I feel like something's gotta give soon. The desert I've been in has been undergirded by God's work which no one could see, especially not me. More has probably happened in the past few months in terms of molding me and preparing me than in some of the busiest times of my life. Things have already started happening - and to be honest, they have been pretty amazing, and they have been things that for years I never thought could happen.

I'm going to Manchester tomorrow, and I'm petrified, but this emotion is completely taken over by the fact I know that God is taking care of my every move.

There is SO much more!

In-between

I have often been told that in all of us there is a God-shaped hole, and the only way to be fully complete is to let Jesus in. Yeah, I believed it - but I didn't really know it. I know it now. I've been in a time of complete and utter desert for a while now. Every day I'm crying out to God, trying to get back to where I'm meant to be, trying to find the purpose I was made for. Part of me thinks this is punishment for the way I've been living my life... No, that's the wrong word. Not punishment. Consequence. Every day I'm crying out to God, but every day I'm also letting myself and God down more and more. This constant battle is making me extremely tired, and everything around me is pulling me towards the world. I know I need community - and I want it, too. But the truth is it scares the shit out of me. I'm petrified of being let down, of being hurt, and I realise I've turned from a vulnerable naive little girl ready to suck up and believe anything I was told, to a type of cold, cynical person who is too scared to trust and only relies on herself. And I want to, and do to a large extent, rely on God, but I need people around me to help me do that. Talk about a catch 22...

I've applied to go to Manchester in September for a year-long course in singing and mission. It's been on my heart for years now but now that I've got an interview all this stuff is coming up that I wasn't expecting. Since my daddy went into hospital my family have gotten a lot closer; we talk now, and it might not seem like much but it's something we never used to do - I don't want to leave them. My friends are another reason. The fact that for the first time I won't be able to jump in my mini and drive home in less than an hour. Am I running away? Am I just aware that I need community so am jumping into the first Christian bubble I see? Now THAT scares me. I'm very much in tune with the world and their concepts of Christianity at the moment, and in no sense do I want to go back to happy-clappy-Christian land unable to see anyone else's point of view.

I'm not saying it will be like that, but these are a couple of the thoughts and fears that have popped into my head. I just have no idea who I am at the moment, no idea where I'm meant to be, and this soul-searching combined with this spiritual combat that's been going on with me for a while is getting old.

Saying all this, I love my life. I am so blessed. My family and friends are in my opinion absolute life-savers and I could not do without them. Ever. I have my health and my education and at least have some sort of idea in what direction I would like my life to go in.

I have my God, who is faithful throughout the most ridiculous show of unfaithfulness and betrayal that my life has been toward Him. I am so aware of how great He is and how weak I am. And maybe this period of desert-land and soul-searching is absolutely necessary in the bigger picture. I know it can't stay like this forever, and for now I will be happy with counting my blessings, playing the waiting game (which is so important sometimes), talking things through with my God and learning to trust Him again.